just thought i’d lay it all out so you won’t waste your time. i’m convinced that 98% of my followers are only following me for the “zomg she’ll follow me back” myspace fueled need for a zillion friends but it’s ok. this will still be on your dash and i will have gotten this off my chest.

i’m crazy happy.

i feel as if i spent months, years even trying to make people like me then laugh it off when people didn’t (usually they did, but i’ve always been that annoying “zomg nobody likes me qq” girl.) i’d cling to the people that gave me even an ounce of attention and when they no longer felt like giving me any, i’d cry and beg for more. of course i’d never get it and i’d spiral into a mild depression revolving around the idea that i had no friend, that no one could possibly care about me. it came down to me thinking i only had one friend out there, kiyla. but it’s not really a friendship with you rely on someone to make you happy without willing to provide an actual companionship in return. while i tried to convince myself that i cut her out of my life two months ago, our friendship ended long before then. it was a good friendship for a while, and i’m happy about that. but i’m happier that i’m no longer using my ties to her as a crutch. 

i really thought for the longest time that the girls at work wanted nothing to do with me, that they never wanted to hang out, that they all would go to dinner together or go to the mall and shop together all deliberately without me. but i was the one pushing them away. “oh, i can’t drive, sorry.” “yeah, i don’t have a car, but next time!” i was holding myself back from hanging out with some of the sweetest girls ever. after deleting all my ties to old friends and crying for an hour or so, i thought it was time to shed my feathers and open up more.

like i said before, i’m crazy happy. dinners with the girls, wino night with brit and kayla, movies with lindsey. and then there’s ralph. he’s amazing. so kind and sweet, he makes me feel like a woman who deserves to be cared for.

i was so unhappy when i realized the people i thought were my best friends for the longest time no longer had the time of day for me or any interest in being my friends, but i know i’m worth something more. and that in order to receive, i have to give a little too.